So last year I dated the disappearing man and wrote an open letter to him on The Urban Dater. Many women reached out to tell me that they had wanted to say the same thing to men in their lives. That I had taken the words right out of their mouth. The Insomnia Club decided to write about the fade phenomenon. While it’s happened only a couple times to me it’s something that nearly everyone in the dating world can relate to. Men and women can both pull the fade but I feel as if it’s more common for a man to do so. I have decided to repost my letter rather than write a new commentary on the subject. I also wanted to state that after posting this letter the man I wrote it about reached out to me. He apologized and we are still friends to this day. But only after he acknowledged why his behavior was unacceptable.
Dear Disappearing Man,
Dating and being single can suck enough on it’s own without your shenanigans. When you decide that you are no longer interested in the woman you are dating, man up and say so. Guess what? We can take it. We are not so fragile that we can’t deal with it. Especially if it’s early in the dating stages. You have a window of time in the first four dates or so when you can call and say “Sorry this isn’t for me” or “I met someone else. I wish you all the best”. Treat others as you want to be treated. I can’t speak for all women, because let’s be honest there are some crazies out there, but for the most part we won’t lose it. We will respect you so much more if you are honest. Our feelings might be hurt for a bit but then we will move on and forget you. Because at least we are not left wondering “What did I do wrong?” I’m sorry I don’t care how secure a woman is she is going to ask that of herself when the guy just disappears. Women seek answers, closure. Most of us like things wrapped up with an ending. Like I say to most of my friends “A break up is non-negotiable.” You letting a woman know that after a few dates you realized you just weren’t that into her gives her an ending. It’s not negotiable. In fact I think it will aid in ending the crazy texts from some of my less stable female counter parts.
Honesty is the best policy. You all say that on the first date, “I don’t play games.” “I’m upfront.” “Honesty is important to me.” blah blah blah. We know you are telling us what we want to hear. Along with all those compliments you are laying on as thick as frosting. But for once legitimately be real. Don’t “we” us on the first two dates. It’s too soon, we don’t want to be “we’ed” before we even know if you’re a good kisser. Save that for when you are sure you actually want to see us more than once. Why? Because “we” always leads to “soon”. Soon, my least favorite word in dating. “I’ll call you soon.” No, you won’t. Soon means never and any women who thinks otherwise is living in a fairytale. Soon means “I don’t have the balls to say I never want to see you again so I’m going to give you this one last piece of hope so you think I’m a better guy than I actually am.” We know your game, soon is a kiss off.
I’m sure all of this makes me sound bitter, but I’m not. I am still optimistic about love. I’ve had my heart broken, stomped on, cheated on, thrown in the meat grinder and every time I still picked up the pieces and started dating again. Because I truly believe that there are good men out there. Men who won’t say “soon” or “we” when they don’t mean it. Men who are respectful and treat others as they want to be treated. Men who are man enough to say “I’m just not that into you.” Say what you mean and mean what you say.
I’ve been on both sides, I’ve had to have the awkward conversation, and yes gentleman, I always have it. I never just disappear. It’s inconsiderate and rude. And when I’ve been on the other side I’ve had so much respect for the men who were honorable enough to treat me with dignity. The ones who pulled the disappearing act are well plainly said, jerks. The point is I know there are men out there that lack the respect and guts it takes to have the awkward conversation. But don’t be that guy. Having that conversation, that few minutes of uncomfortableness will make dating a less miserable experience. It will make you a better guy. It builds character. Just think if everyone was that truly honest with one another how much better the dating world would be. If people really didn’t play games and didn’t waste each other’s time leaving them confused and rejected. Thank you for your time.
Regards,
Taylor
To read more from The Insomnia Club click on the links below or search Twitter for the hashtag #insomniaclub
I am glad he contacted you and owned his shit. Maybe he continued to own it to this day. Awesome. But the post itself? I ADORE this letter. To the point, serious yet funny. I couldn’t have said it better myself.
No really. I tried.
I never trust anyone that feels the need to state out loud that they “don’t play games.” Disclaimers are unnecessary if you’re living your truth.
oxo
JFB
Brilliant letter. As Nikki pointed out – couldn’t have put it better.
Everyone, particularly women, want to be able to know ‘the end’ of something .. without an end, its all a bit blur of thoughts which make you wonder ‘what if, what did I do, what happened’ .. which is really unneccesary. Dating is hard enough as it is. The least we can do is let the other person know if we’re no longer into them or don’t see things going forward.
And it’s good that the man in question apologized to you .. and that you managed to stay friends after
Thank you for confronting him.